Feilan (qutesh_geb) wrote,


I don't think that I really had it hit me until I was talking to Joe just now on AIM...I've been in a funk for months now. Kind of feeling blah all the time, not really dealing with anything...kind of on auto pilot every day basically just existing with really feeling like I was living. Not all the time, but pretty much any time I was alone in my room.

TkOeUeCpH (1:52:17 PM): my friends were like my stability before
TkOeUeCpH (1:52:36 PM): no matter how much everything went wrong or how much my family pissed me off they were always there to calm me down and make me feel better
TkOeUeCpH (1:52:40 PM): and they're just not there anymore

That's what I had told him...I mean, basically I had gotten too used to having my friends there to help make me feel better, to be a distraction just in being themselves. Now, since we all don't talk as much and rarely ever see each other I don't seem to know how to deal yet. I don't have an outlet anymore for when I'm stressed, or angry, or just emotional. Sometimes it seems when I'm all wound up I take it out on Joe and don't see it until he already is annoyed or hurt by something I said. I hate myself for that, I never want to say something to upset him he means so much to me.

The whole thing is my own fault, you depend on people too much and life changes, I took it for granted that they would always be there and that's just not always reality of things. *shrug* I'm going through my room right now and seeing how much I hold onto things not just the physical things that I'm digging through but all the emotional stuff that comes with it all. I've had issues with stuff for so long that much like the bags and boxes hidden away in my closet I just put away and never let myself deal with it and move on from it.
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